The Monkey Barrel

Archive for June, 2007

A tiny peanut
All of 6 and some pounds
Born into this world
36 years ago
My giant of a husband
I can still hear the squeak
Of the gym door
Grabbing my attention
This great hulk of a man
Striding through
And suddenly all I had dreamed
Circled round a sweaty court
And I was born
A broken, dirty wreck of a girl
But he dug in
Uncovering a shattered spirit
Inside all the rubble
Never trying to fix me himself
But showing The Way back
To the only One who could
I knew Him already
But was too filthy
Too ashamed to come crawling
It can only be by God’s grace
That this man loved me
Even in my disgrace
And faith became possible
Forgiveness my gift
June 15th, 1971
He was born
And I am saved
Happy Birthday Fred
I love you

So I found two jokes about Republicans and Democrats changing light bulbs and and the ensuing conversation snow balled into this. I present to you the Arters changing a lightbulb:

Fred: You know it would just be cheaper to buy a new light fixture that comes with the bulbs that use less electricity so that we only have to change the thing once a year. I can time it with the day I mow the grass.

Brian: Okay, melissa. I’ll change the lightbulb already. What is it four months now you’ve been asking? Gees I’ll get to it. (Is this toilet screwed down yet? Never mind, I’ll get the ladder)

Pop: I told you turn that darn light off when you leave the room so we don’t waste electricity. Probably woulda lasted at least another 3 months if you’d just listen to me. And close the door wouldja, you weren’t raised in a barn and you’re letting all the air out. Probably have to get a new air conditioner too with all this waste goin on over here…

Geoff: By the time I start to take out the old bulb and get the screw driver and unwrap the new bulb, throw the old bulb away, go back and get the paper wrapping and throw that away, and pull out the ladder, and go get the new light again, and vacuum the carpet and floss my toes…. you’ll have wished you’d done it yourself.

Barb: You’re all so pathetic. I’ll change it. As soon as I’m done mowing your grass on mothers day and making your fourteen course dinner and folding your mountain of laundry and babysitting the children you fobbed off on me, I’ll get it done. No no, that’s okay, I’ll do it right now, thank you very much. No, no, no, I said I’d do it and I’m doing it right now.

Darlene: The light bulb? Again? I just changed that friggin thing!! Geo, wha’d you do to it? Never mind, don’t change it. We’ll be here all night. I have a whole staff here that can go to the store and get the bulb and have it in in an hour but they’ll want lunch. Mom, tell dad to add lightbulbs to the list when you go to Walmart again today, and grab yourself some lunch while you’re at it.

Emily: I bought some more light bulbs,with the change from the coin jar while your mom was with me rolling her eyes and looking for the nearest aisle to hide behind. And then i put them in this toad dough, and baked them with maple syrup, but i’m gonna take them to another family gathering. so…sit in the dark.

John: There was this dragon that came in through my window and ate the lightbulb and crushed it into tiny pieces and then he burped out hot flames and lava…

Luke: Top It!!!

Luke on the changing table- Mommy, you a pinthess. Pinthess Lemalee.
(mommy) Aw buddy, you are so sweet to me.
Luke- Dwagon cuewt
(mommy, realization dawning) Luke, do you think mommy is Princess Fiona?
Luke- Ess mommy, Pinthess Lemalee Fyona
(mommy realizing she’s not sure if he means the pretty pinthess or the ogre pinthess, goes into self denial and imagines she’s the pretty one, or as Luke would put it, the pitty un.)

John in the car- Hey mom, how does your skin stick to your bones?
(mommy, Lord grant me strength!) Ummm, your muscles grow your skin so it’s kinda stuck like that.
John- So what holds your muscles to your bones then?
(mommy, DANG IT!) Umm, well we have these things called nerves that are like tiny little wires and strings all over and these other things called tendons and ligaments and all those things kind of sew our muscles onto our bones.
John thinks a minute.
John- Hey mom, what if we had no bones, we’d walk around like big blobby jelly people, and then we died and came back to life as ghosts. We’d be big scary jelly ghosts.
(mommy) John your brain scares me