The Monkey Barrel

This is the first year I’ve forgotten. Usually the date stands out on the calendar for me. You would have been 5 this year. I wonder who you were and if you were another son or a daughter. I was so excited when I realized you were coming and had planned a special way to tell everyone at the holidays. Even your dad. It was the first time I’d ever been able to keep that kind of secret. Usually I see those 2 pink lines and I can’t contain myself and have to tell the whole world. But nearly as soon as I knew, at 9 weeks, you were gone . I had to take John with me to the doctors office and call your Uncle Matt to get hold of your dad to meet me there. And I had to tell your dad that you were coming and then you were gone all in the same moment. It was so awful. It was emotionally and physically one of the worst days of my life. And until this year, the day comes and I remember you and wonder about you and find myself jealous that God has you up there with Him and you can’t be here with us and your brothers. But this year it’s nearly a week past and I’m not sure what finally reminded me. I wonder if you’ve met your grandaddy up there already and if you two get to play with each other. He’s an awesome guy and you get to have him exactly as he ought to be. I’m really jealous of that too. You two get to share this Christmas together for the first time. How great is that?? It’s hard not to be sad missing you both so very much, but I have great peace knowing the hurt will be a little less as the years go by and as the years pass I am closer to meeting you and being reunited with all of the family I love that has gone on. I miss you little one. Momma loves you. Merry Christmas